Harry Purrter And The Purrsoner Of Catskaban
by The Mystic Alchemist
Summary: Harry Purrter is reunited with his dogfather! Together Dog Star Black and the Golden Trio battle against Pawdamort in this epic adventure of puns and shenanigans! (Warning! Major crackfic!)


Harry Purrter and the Purrsoner of Catskaban

* * *

_**Scene 1:**_

 **Lights up low lighting**

 __

 _A cardboard cutout of Aunt Meowge is floating above the head of Harry Purrter. He enters from stage left while muttering and sits on a bench._

Harry Purrter: "Darn Aunt Meowge!... I don't need them!... ( _etc_ )"

Harry Purrter: "* _Hisses_ * I'm so bored I could literally do anything right now, hence why I'm going to sit here, out in the open, where ANY death eater could come up and kill me at ANY time, while I read Sefurus Snape's personal diary."

* _Jeopardy music plays_ *

Harry Purrter: "WOAH. I didn't know that Snape did catnip! This is such meaty gossip!"

 _Dog Star Black enters from stage right Purrter stands up with his wand. (note: a cat toy?)_

Harry Purrter: "Merlin's whiskers!"

Dog Star Black: "Wait! I'm your dogfather! I knew James Purrter!"

Harry Purrter: "You're my wot? Who are you?"

Dog Star Black: "I am Dog Star of the noble house of Black. I knew your parents in school. They made me your dogfather but I've been wrongfully imprisoned in Catskaban for twelve years! I've come here to get revenge on the rat responsible for your  
parents death"

Harry Purrter: _*While he talks he listens intently affirming occasionally_ * "Really?!... Oh dear… ( _etc)_ "

Dog Star Black: _*Goes up to Purrter and grabs his shoulders_ * "Will you help me bring Cheester Pettigrew to Justice?"

Harry Purrter: "Yes! You are my dogfather! Of course I will help! Let's go to the Leaky Milk Bowl and work out a plan to find him."

Dog Star Black: "Good idea! Let's go!"

 _Both Exit stage right._

 _ **Scene 2:**_

* * *

**Full lights**

 _Stage is set with tables and chairs ( or benches and blocks, depends on resources ) and a sign for The Leaky Milk Bowl on the right. There is a very large wanted poster on the wall for Dog Star Black. Hermeownie Granger and Rawrnald Weasley are at a table  
to the left. Rawrn has a (toy) rat. Harry Purrter and Dog Star Black enter from the right._

Dog Star Black: "Wow! This place looks exactly like I remember!"

Harry Purrter: "Ok. We need a plan. It may take months to find that evil little rat, years even! Or-"

Dog Star Black: _*Inturrupts Purrter and points_ * "There he is! With those two kids!"

Harry Purrter: "Those are my friends Hermeownie Granger and Rawrnald Weasley!"

Hermeownie Granger: * _Stands up_ * "Harry! What are you doing here?"

Rawrnald Weasley: * _Stuttering, voice cracking_ * "I-i-i it's B-b-b th-the h-he's… DOG STAR BLACK!"

Harry Purrter: "SHH! Rawrn it's ok! He's my dogfather."

Hermeownie Granger: "But Harry! He's a mass murderer! Haven't you seen the wanted posters?"

Harry Purrter: * _Stares blankly at them_ * "No… But it doesn't matter because he's innocent! Just look at that face!"

 _*Dog Star Black makes a puppy dog face_.*

Rawrnald: "He's got a point Hermeownie."

 _The toy rat is attached to a string which is pulled from backstage. Dog Star Black notices the rat getting away and dives after him_.

Dog Star Black: "Cheester Pettigrew is getting away! HEAAAGH!"

 _Black wrestles with Cheester half offstage and Cheester becomes human again. Black drags Cheester back onstage so they're centerstage._

 _*At the same time_ *

Rawrnald Weasley: "Bloody hairballs!"

Hermeownie Granger: "Merlin's whiskers!"

Harry Purrter: "Blimey!"

Cheester Pettigrew: "Rats! You've caught me!"

Dog Star Black: "Tell them Cheester Pettigrew! Tell them how you sold your friends out to Pawdamort!"

Cheester Pettigrew: "You give me too much credit Dog Star. It was simple really. All I did was… This!" * _Reveals a Hello Kitty tattoo on his forearm so the audience can see and snaps in a "z" formation_ *

Hermeownie Granger: "That's the dark mark! The symbol of Pawdamort himself! It's made from a type of Protean Charm!"

Rawrnald Weasley: "Nows not the time to discuss nutrition Hermeownie!"

Cheester Pettigrew: "I summon thee, the Dark Lord Pawdamort!"

 _Lights flash and lightning sound effects. Pawdamort enters behind everyone wearing a girly dress with a black cloak over it and a pink bow in his hair. Everyone looks around._

Harry Purrter: "Where is he? All I see is that little girl there."

Pawdamort: * _Removes his hood*_ "I am Pawdamort fools!"

Dog Star Black: "... Well this is a let down…"

Pawdamort: "You know not of the powerful dark magic I wield! Come to the dark side! We've got cat treats!" _*Pulls out cat treats (Swedish Fish)_ *

 __

 _The cat characters eagerly snatch the treats from Pawdamort and move away_.

Pawdamort: "Hey! Give those back!"

Rawrnald Weasley: * _While eating cat treats_ * "What are you going to about it?" ( _Note: Continues eating cat treats throughout the rest of the play.)_

Pawdamort: _*Stomping like a child*_ "I REALLLLLLYY WANTED THOSE! I COMMAND YOU TO STOP!"

Hermeownie Granger: "Rawrn give the treats back, those weren't yours you uncultured swine!"

Cheester Pettigrew: "My dark lord Pawdamort, take a deep breath. Go to your happy place. Think of things like.. Like - uh.. I know! Balls of yarn, and - uh… Mice! Even though they are my cousins... I make sacrifices you my Lord.

 _Cheester Pettigrew walks to front center stage._

Cheester Pettigrew: _* In a Stage whisper_ * "Because I love you."

Pawdamort: "Did you just say something Wormtail?"

Cheester Pettigrew: "Nothing!"

Harry Purrter: "Well, we're going to go now, since I have important Chosen One things to do. T.t.f.n. tata for now."

 _The trio plus Dog Star Black exit_.

 **Brownout**

 _Pawdamort and Cheester exit._

 _ **Scene 3**_ :

* * *

 **Full lights**

 _The trio plus Dog Star Black enter and sit on benches or blocks (not the Leaky Milk Bowl)._

Harry Purrter: "Remember when I stole Sefrus Snape's personal diary? Turned out he's addicted to catnip! Wild eh?"

Rawrnald Weasly: "Eh? Why're you saying eh Harry? What are you Canadian?"

Hermeownie Granger: "Guys, were getting off track. We should probably get back to the plot."

Harry Purrter, Rawrnald Weasley: * _Both*_ "Fine."

Dog Star Black: "Now, how are we going to fight Pawdamort?.. Hmmm oh, I know! To defeat him we have to destroy his Horcruxes!"

Rawnald Weasley: "For a mass murderer, that's a smart idea!"

Dog Star Black: "But there's one problem…"

Hermeownie Granger: "What!? What's the problem?"

Dog Star Black: "Pawdamort has them hidden AND protected!"

Harry Purrter: "Wait! I remember reading something like that in Snape's personal diary!"

 _*Harry flips through the diary, pausing at one point and chuckling.*_

Harry Purrter: "Hey guys, listen to this one!"

Everyone BUT Harry Purrter: "NO!"

Harry Purrter: "Merlins whiskers, okay… _*Flips page.*_ Found it! He has them hidden in the woods behind Hogwarts!

Rawnald Weasley: "Well that's purrrdictable.."

Hermeownie Granger: "Then let's go!"

 _Exit._

 _ **Scene 4:**_

* * *

_Pawdamort is sitting back center stage grooming._

Cheester Pettigrew: "Now's my chance to hit on my Dark Lord… _*Turns to Pawdamort_ * My Lord-..."

Pawdamort: "Yes Wormtail, what is it...?"

Cheester Pettigrew: "I was wondering if maybe.. You would- perhaps- ..."

Pawdamort: "What Wormtail? Spit it out."

Chester Pettigrew: " I was wondering if you wanted-..."

Pawdamort: "PETTIGREW!"

Cheester Pettigrew: "EEK, I was wondering if I could uh-... OH! I was wondering if you want me to sharpen your claws for you…"

Pawdamort: "No Wormtail, that's just weird. Now, I must go kick kittens to pass the time."

 _Pawdamort exits stage._

Cheester Pettigrew: "Well at least now I can finally sit down and relax until-...'

 _Harry, Hermeownie, Rawrnald and Dog Star Black run onto stage._

Harry Purrter: "Pettigrew! Where is Pawdamort?!"

Cheester Pettigrew: "I'm not telling you scat!"

Hermeownie Granger: "Tell us or we're going to have to do unspeakable things to you."

Cheester Pettigrew: "Like what? Eat me?! I doubt it!" * _Laughs*_

 _Cheester stops laughing and looks at the group not laughing, then down at himself._

Rawrnald Weasely: "Yes Cheester. That is exactly what I'm about to do."

Harry Purrter: "SICK HIM RAWRN!"

 _Rawrnald chases Pettigrew off stage, from backstage you can hear pots and pans clacking and cat noises, with faint screams of Pettigrew._

Rawrnald Weasley: * _Pillow under shirt*_ "How I love myself some fresh rat."

Dog Star Black: "Now that Pettigrew is disposed of, we must find a way to lure Pawdamort into battle… Any Ideas?"

Rawrnald Weasley: "We can subtweet him on Twitter and we can totally…-"

Pawdamort: _*Running on to stage holding a basket of horcruxes_ * "Did I hear that someone wants to subtweet me and ruin my media following?! How dare you!"

Hermeownie Granger: "Well, we never agreed on subtweeting you, we just had the thought. Also how did you even find us?"

Pawdamort: "I was just bringing my horcruxes back here for Wormtail to polish. He seemed eager to help."

Dog Star Black: "Okay guys, we need to distract him to get the Horcruxes. Hermeownie, you help me distract Pawdamort Harry you go get the Horcruxes!"

Harry Purrter: "Okay!"

 _Everything in slow motion Lights flickering. Hermeownie and Dog Star Black charge Pawdamort who puts down the horcruxes. Everyone pulls out their wands and Rawrn stands to one side eating cat treats and patting his belly. Purrter grabs the horcruxes and  
runs them to the other side of the stage before joining the fight. Hermeownie and Dog Star Black twirl their wands for casting spells while Pawdamort dodges them. Purrter, Hermeownie, Rawrn, and Dog Star Black are practically lined up in front of  
Pawdamort when he twirls and jabs his wand making everyone dive out of the way except for Rawrn who gets hit and falls dead._

Pawdamort: _*(the spell that kills Rawrn). Still in slow motion.*_ "ABRACATABRA!"

 _Rawrn throws the bag of cat treats and dies in slow motion._

 **Lights back to normal, full.**

Harry Purrter, Hermeownie, Dog Star Black: _*at the same time*_ "RAWRN"

 _Everyone goes to Rawrn, Hermeownie cries and Purrter stands to fight Pawdamort and shakes of Dog Star who tries to hold him back. Choreographed fight between Purrter and Pawdamort. While they fight Dog Star dramatically stabs the horcruxes with a sword  
and tosses them offstage. Pawdamort dies by a cutting curse "Diffindo". Pawdamort dies with a glorious screech. Purrter returns to Rawrn's side panting._

Harry Purrter: * _shaking Rawrn*_ "Rawrn! Rawrn are you ok? Rawrn! You can't die like this!"

Hermeownie Granger: * _crying_ * "Harry… He's gone…"

 _*Dog Star Black pats Harry Purrter's back*_

Harry Purrter: * _crying_ * "No you can't die! You're my best feline!"

 _Suddenly Rawrn begins to wake up. He coughs and spits out a cat treat. He sits up and everyone is surprised. Group hug._

Hermeownie: "Rawrn! How are you alive?"

Harry Purrter: "We thought you went to the Milky Gates!"

Rawrnald Weasley: "Nope. Just taking a quick catnap I guess. The spell hit the cat treats and made me choke on one and knocked me out! I'm just lucky cats have nine lives!"

 _All nod in agreement._

Rawrnald Weasley: "What happened to Pawdamort? Is he.. *gulp* .. dead?"

 _Dog Star stands up and looks at Pawdamort laying on the ground._

Dog Star Black: "Yup."

Rawrnald Weasley: "Ah."

Harry Purrter: "Yup"

Hermeownie Granger: "Meow"

Rawrnald Weasley: "Good job Harry."

Harry Purrter: "Thanks Rawrn."

Dog Star Black: "So is that it?"

Hermeownie Granger: "Well we finished the climax."

 _Everyone standing at this point._

Rawrnald Weasley: "What nonsense are you spouting now Hermeownie?"

 _She opens her mouth to speak but is cut off by Purrter who has taken out Snape's diary again._

Harry Purrter: "Guys! Did you know that MeowGonagall is actually-"

Everyone but Purrter: "NO!"

 _They run offstage leaving Purrter behind. Harry Purrter looks at the audience._

 **Blackout**

* * *

_**The end.**_

A/N: Soooooo... heh.. yeah I wrote that... it's certainly the most... unique fanfic I've ever written.  
A little info: I wrote this as an assignment for my drama class with my friend Dylan (credit to him). It was soooo close to getting picked to be performed! *single tear* anyways I hope you guys liked it! Don't forget to leave a review! Luv u ^3^


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